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The Modern Movie Experience

The most expensive nap you’ll ever take.

Going to the movies in this day and age ain’t for the faint of heart. Walking in the door and purchasing tickets for a family of four is close to $50.00. Factoring in the candy and drinks, or the meal that is delivered to our seats, we’re easily at $100 for the movies! And if I happen to order an adult beverage, the bill creeps up $150! Crazy, right? I mean, I can dine at Gallagher’s for less than that!

And can we discuss the new luxury accommodations — those seats?!  They’re big. They’re comfy. The fake pleather is easy to wipe off, and they’re not sticky with someone else’s spilled soda! And let’s be honest, haven’t we all been worried about the possible transfer of lice on those old seats? That gross fabric? With these new pleather seats, the chance of lice transfer gets knocked down to about 50% — possibly 75% — because lice can’t live on cold pleather! Oh, and they RECLINE. RECLINE! Are you kidding me? What in the world is that? I can actually recline while I am stuck watching my 150th Disney movie of the year. And with a reclining seat in a dark movie theater, falling asleep is inevitable. And ya know what? I don’t care! I just spent $100 to take a nap! And you shouldn’t care either. God answered our prayers! Our kids are contained, entertained, and we get to sit on our asses and do nothing!

I know, as parents, we can all agree on this — the new movie experience is the best damn $100 nap you’ll EVER take!

 

 

 

 

Posted in deanna verbouwens, That's Life, Uncategorized

when the laundry is done

When the laundry is done, I feel all is right in my domestic world. When the laundry is done, I feel like I can breathe.  When the laundry is done, I am proud that I have conquered such a monumental task.  When the laundry is done, I feel as if I can do anything!

And then it happens.

It happens every time.  As I happily stuff the dryer with what I think is the very last load of laundry, singing while I clean out the lint trap, closing that dryer door with a spring in my step and a smug smirk on my face, feeling like I just climbed Mt. Everest, that happy feeling I had just a mere 23 seconds ago is gone.

Poof!

Like a Pavlovs’ dog, after I close that dryer door the realization hits me: I have to fold and put away all these fricking clothes.  The feelings of anger, angst and being overwhelmed with life invade me like ants on a sticky ice pop stuck to the concrete on a hot summer day – all because of the laundry.

Because … the laundry is NEVER done.

Ever.

The laundry never stops, just like Newman and the mail  “it just keeps coming and coming, there is never a let up, it’s relentless”.

When I think I am done, more laundry comes. More socks. More dirty boy underwear. More towels. More sheets. More unbelievable disgusting soaking wet gym clothes from my husband.

More laundry.

It doesn’t matter if you’re a table of one or fifty-one, the laundry continues for everyone; the only difference is the reprieve you get between loads – it could be a day or two weeks. You can bet your  ass, they’ll always be laundry!LAundryJust a week ago I was doing laundry three times a day because I only had four pairs of acceptable underwear to don. Yes, four pairs. Sure, I had my ‘period panties’ but those don’t count, neither did the maternity underwear I had stored in my drawer for eight years. You read that right, underwear sat in the undie drawer for eight years. I only wore them when I was completely and utterly desperate. Like twice a year desperate when I was too lazy to actually do the laundry for ONE day.

Silly me to think that buying $84 worth of new underwear would help my never-ending laundry situation, how naïve.  As much as I love that my lady bits are secure and comfortable I am still doing laundry twice a day.

Colors. Whites. Dryer Sheets. Spray & Wash.  Bleach.  Fold put away. Fold put away. Fold let the laundry sit in the basket for a week, or maybe two. Don’t you dare judge me.

Load after load after load.  Rinse and repeat.

The laundry never ends.  When is it EVER done?

So what does one do? Well, I have a few ideas:

  • Embrace the suck cause summer is coming, I mean the towels alone can make anyone go postal.
  • Throw money at the problem. Get your laundry done by someone else. I mean, have you’ve ever done this? A good service can fold your undies the size of a quarter (no joke!), it’s a beautiful thing!
  • Get your significant other to do it. Perfect solution, mine does pitch in a lot, however, with a fireman’s schedule, the laundry can’t stop, we will drown in laundry if I let it go for 48 hours.
  • Teach your children or dog how-to do the laundry.

The last option is my only option.  My sons have been folding and putting away the laundry for well over six months; two weeks ago I taught the 13 year old how to actually do a load of laundry. SCORE!

Now, I am not that foolish to think that this will give me full clemency from doing the laundry, but it will give me somewhat of a break, teach my kids that there are no free rides in life, and I have achieved something great – I gave myself a gift that will keep on giving (hopefully this gift will be bestowed on their significant others as well) the gift that they and they alone can and will wash their own disgusting underwear and socks.

Problem solved.

Now beer me!

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Posted in That's Life, Uncategorized Tagged with: , , ,

How Do You Know You’re a Great Parent?

keep calm

 

Every day as parents we question whether or not we are good, average hell … great parents, especially with the internet’s telling us that we are doing it all wrong, or those overzealous parenting posts on Facebook, or our own psychosis screaming into our brains that we are not good enough parents.

Well, my friends, I am here to tell you that you’re a great parent, no matter what those annoying helicopter moms or dads say. How do I know that? Well, I got some mad skills, I’ve been around the parenting block for a decade, I’ve made many mistakes – my oldest sons first year of life was like a circus, I had no idea what I was doing, I made everyone around me crazy, and my pediatrician actually red-flagged my file.

That is not a joke.

My sons file was really red-flagged ala Elaine Benes in Seinfeld – because I was a nut job.

So I am pretty qualified to let you know that you are not fucking up as a parent, that you are doing more than an OK job at this parenting thing, I know that because you…

  • Wash the same pair of socks over 6,000 times in one week because your child can only wear those socks, no matter how many new pairs of the exact same pair of socks you bought, they don’t want the new ones.
  • Cut their fingernails in their sleeps because it the only way to get it done and more importantly avoid a temper tantrum.
  • Make the same lunch for twelve years because it’s the only lunch food your child will eat.
  • Volunteer… as a coach, with the PTA, Boy Scouts, Girl Scouts, Religion Teacher, School Function, whatever volunteer gig you take, you’re giving up valuable time for your child. Kudos to you!
  • Have boogers, tears, food stains on your shirt.
  • Sing them to sleep even though you have a headache, the flu, or are hung-over.
  • Held their hand when they went off to school for the first time.
  • Stayed up to the wee hours of the night for moral support as they finish their school reports.
  • Worked extra hours (basically handled your shit) so you can watch them play any sport, perform in any production, or watch them march in any fricking parade.
  • Cried yourself to sleep because they were rejected in any way by a friend, a school admission, the travel soccer team or any rejection really – could be the random kid at the park who didn’t want to play with them – am I being dramatic? HELL YEA!
  •  Gave in for the 100th time to the play date, sleepover; ice-cream or gum at the checkout line. Sucker MC? Absolutely! But hey they’re worth it.
  • Paid $15.00 for some crap toy at the amusement park cause your parents never did that. Okay, that’s dumb but it happens.
  •  Refrained from clothes-lining the mom whose snotty kid tormented your child at recess.

…  You love them like no other and will take a gosh darn bullet for them even if it means you may spill your wine.

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Posted in deanna, deanna verbouwens, That's Life, Uncategorized, unnatural mother Tagged with: , ,