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9 Not-So-Proud Parenting Moments

As parents, it’s going to happen — those not so proud parenting moments that make you stop in your boots and say, “Maybe that wasn’t the best move.” And for me, those moments probably happen more than most parents. I mean, how many times have you blatantly called your child a “jackass”? Not mumbled it — actually said, “You are a jackass!” to their face? Yep. I told ya. For me, it’s on the reg. Hey, in my book when someone is being a jackass — even a 10-year-old child – you tell them.

Or do you? Ya see, that is where I fail as a parent. The should you or shouldn’t you question doesn’t even pop into my head. Am I missing an automatic mom-filter?

Don’t answer that!

Nevertheless, when the last not-so-proud-parenting moment occurred, I started to think back to all the moments that made me cringe, that still make me feel like a failure (aside from, well, all the time). Those times, after the not-so-proud parenting moment occurred, made me say out loud, “Oh crap, that wasn’t a good parenting move!” I thought I must share them because I can’t be the only parent out there utterly screwing up. So, my friends, below are some of my ridiculous moments as a parent:

  1. That night when we left a sick kid home to watch the little one so we could attend a dinner dance an hour away from the house. Hindsight, worst move ever; the man-child could barely lift his head from the pillow and was close to hurling chunks. Clearly, I should have stayed home. To make matters worse, we got a flat!
  2. That time I gave my child spoiled milk for days. (I never checked the date; you ALWAYS check the date!) And yes, he got sick at school!
  3. The oh so many times I dug dirty laundry out of the basket — deep out of the basket — to dress my children for school. #itwascleanenough
  4. That time, many moons ago (Need to add that disclaimer!), when we ate fast food 4 out of the 7 nights a week for dinner. I mean, seriously? #GrossButNotGross
  5. That time I forgot about picture day. The little bugger was wearing a Phineas and Ferb ratty old t-shirt without a clean haircut, and it just happened to be the year with no picture retake day. Or maybe I forgot about that too! #Probablywhathappened
  6. The day I sat down and talked to my children about ‘stranger danger,’ and my fifth grader ended up in the nurses’ office crying after he walked to school. I scared the pants off him. (Yes, I mentioned kidnapping and maybe went a little too far with the graphics.) What in holy hell was I thinking?
  7. The lapse in judgement when I told my son to Google his homework answers — literally teaching my children to cut corners. WTF is wrong with me?
  8. When I fed my kids pizza bagel bites for breakfast for about 3 months straight. They’re bagels, right?
  9. That day when my son didn’t eat breakfast before his basketball practice. (It was EARLY. He didn’t get up when I tried to wake him. Cut me some slack!) When he came home, he was starving. He didn’t like the options I gave him so I left him $20 to call Domino’s because I had to run some errands. #ParentingFail #whatiswrongwithme

I am sure there are a lot more parenting fails than this. I mean, they are 13 and 10. There certainly can’t be just 9 measly parenting fails in 13 years. But that’s neither here nor there, right? We’re going to fail as parents — more times than we wish. I can rest my head on my pillow at night knowing that these two little buggers are loved. They’re alive! They have clothes on (clean or not, they have clothes on). And to me, that’s a win!!

 

 

 

Posted in deanna, deanna verbouwens, The Little Buggers

GPS Recalculating … rerouting

I rely solely on my GPS or the Waze app to help me navigate the treacherous Long Island roads during rush hour traffic, and basically any other time I am driving and have no idea where I am going. These devices, apps, things, whatever you call them are literally my co-pilot. I listen to this woman’s voice so much that I feel we’ve become good friends. And I often wonder if she really gives a shit about where I am going? Do you think ‘Claire’ loves her job? Giving me directions — Every. Single. Day?  Spitting out three different routes to choose from, calculating an estimated arrival time?  Does she care that I am geographically challenged? When I make a wrong turn, would Claire rather say, “Listen, dipshit, I said to turn left onto Main Street. Now because of your inability to follow my simple directions, I have to tell you to make a fricking right onto Spruce, a left onto to Oak and then another fucking right onto Cedar street. Just make the FUCKING ILLEGAL U-turn, cause I can’t say REROUTING one more damn time!” I truly think she would. I mean, just think of all the times you told your husband or children something, and they don’t listen. You get pretty aggravated, right? Claire can’t be this even keeled all day long? Something has to tip her bucket? No?

Dear, God, I’ve had a long day.

Is this utterly ridiculous? And I am literally the only person on this planet that thinks their inanimate objects actually have feelings, that named their GPS voice? Please don’t answer that. Let me pretend that Claire exists, that she cares about all of us, and that she is completely happy telling us where to go, even if it is to “Go F$%k ourselves!”

 

 

 

Posted in deanna, deanna verbouwens, That's Life

My #1 Job as a Mom

The other day I forwarded my 13-year-old son a text I received from his teacher. It was one of those reminder texts that notify me about assignments, tests, or even something sweet like “Happy Weekend,” which I love. I love being in-the-know, and it makes me feel that the teacher cares.  Nevertheless, within minutes of hitting send, the little rat bastard promptly replied, “I know; I get the texts too.” Wherein, I responded as fast as my big thumbs would allow me: “My #1 job as a mom is to nag you. And I believe I am killing it if I do say so myself.”

Because it’s so damn true. The definition of the word nag – “continuous urging.” That really says it all for me, and I bet for most parents.

naɡ

verb // 1. annoy or irritate (a person) with persistent fault-finding or continuous urging.

“She constantly nags her son about the importance of being a good person.”

As a parent, I have to continuously urge my children to do a lot of things — not just the things that bring a little relief into my life like straighten their room, bring the laundry down or take out the garbage. I also continuously urge (like how I did that?) them to do the right thing and help them understand that certain things they need to do in life will help them ‘do life’ as a productive member of society.

On a daily basis, I continuously urge my children to be kind, caring, loving. I continuously, like a broken record, urge them to be respectful to themselves and others, to selflessly give of themselves without wanting something in return. I continuously urge them to open doors for other people, pick litter off the ground, look people in the eye when they are talking, to do these things so they become good people. Cause being a really good salt-of-the-earth person is, to me, a very important thing to be in life.

And my boys can tell you that I continuously urge, ummm, nag (totally works here!) them about the importance of being a really good person.

So, even though my bratty son never replied to my text, I stand by it. I am killing it as a nag! And I take the job of being a nag very seriously. I mean, if my sons become really good people (and they will cause I’ll continuously urge them to do the right thing) AND have the ability to carry 10 lbs. of laundry down two flights of stairs – well, I’ll say I hit pay dirt as a parent (and their future spouses will love me!)! #winning

 

 

 

 

Posted in deanna, deanna verbouwens, The Little Buggers