I rely solely on my GPS or the Waze app to help me navigate the treacherous Long Island roads during rush hour traffic, and basically any other time I am driving and have no idea where I am going. These devices, apps, things, whatever you call them are literally my co-pilot. I listen to this woman’s voice so much that I feel we’ve become good friends. And I often wonder if she really gives a shit about where I am going? Do you think ‘Claire’ loves her job? Giving me directions — Every. Single. Day? Spitting out three different routes to choose from, calculating an estimated arrival time? Does she care that I am geographically challenged? When I make a wrong turn, would Claire rather say, “Listen, dipshit, I said to turn left onto Main Street. Now because of your inability to follow my simple directions, I have to tell you to make a fricking right onto Spruce, a left onto to Oak and then another fucking right onto Cedar street. Just make the FUCKING ILLEGAL U-turn, cause I can’t say REROUTING one more damn time!” I truly think she would. I mean, just think of all the times you told your husband or children something, and they don’t listen. You get pretty aggravated, right? Claire can’t be this even keeled all day long? Something has to tip her bucket? No?
Dear, God, I’ve had a long day.
Is this utterly ridiculous? And I am literally the only person on this planet that thinks their inanimate objects actually have feelings, that named their GPS voice? Please don’t answer that. Let me pretend that Claire exists, that she cares about all of us, and that she is completely happy telling us where to go, even if it is to “Go F$%k ourselves!”