New School Year, New Rules, New Sheriff In Town!

By Deanna

Dear Mom and Dad,

As the new school year approaches, I wanted to go over a few things about our morning ritual, schedule routine whatever you grown-ups like to call it. I know that we are late for school, a lot, and I really want to change that, even though I’m not a big fan of school, being trapped at a desk with some teacher clambering on about adverbs and adjectives, I do hate getting to school late, and Mom, I know you hate being late for whatever you do, that thing called work where you sit a computer and probably Facebook and Tweet all day, wherever that is; and now that my little brother is going to school with me, I want him to have a different experience and not face the ridicule of his teacher by arriving late. Every. Day. I know, I’m good a brother.

Let’s get one thing straight, there is a new sheriff in town, I’m setting the rules, and I’d really appreciate it if you just followed along like a good cowboy um cowgirl, whatever and keep your mouths shut.

1. When waking me up to start my very stressful day, gently caress my head and softly whisper in my ear that it’s time to wake up, there is no way, no how I’m standing for the shrills of what you call singing for another ten months, so toss out the ‘ole: “Rise and shine, bring on the Glory! Glory!” or “Time to get up Pumpkins”. I’m not a pumpkin I’m an eight year old boy.

2. Before I walk down the stairs to eat breakfast, get dressed and brush my teeth please have the television on to my favorite show, currently “Phineas and Ferb” but that can change at a moment’s notice so pay attention to what I like to watch and please don’t piss and moan if I ask for a different show. 

3. The house temperature should be at an even 70 degrees; this will eliminate my cries of being too cold or too hot.

4. Please only buy my favorite cereal, I like sugary sweet stuff that rots my teeth, and sends me in a complete tizzy for at least thirty minutes before I start my day; the cereal should always be poured in my favorite blue bowl, and should have the ratio of milk to cereal 1:3, anything more or less will not do, I’ll throw a tantrum and the bowl.

5. The little brother, since he’s new at this, I beg you be gentle with him and let him do whatever he wants until at least winter break, I can’t have him mess with my mojo and keeping him happy is the only way to accomplish this.

6. My clothes should be washed, ironed and laid out on the right arm of the red couch, if it’s not in that exact spot every morning, I will not get dressed; oh, and please remember I like my underwear ironed, and only give me my favorite socks, don’t bitch that I only have one pair, go get me more or wash them every night. Please.

7. My tooth brush should be on the bathroom counter, with one nice squiggly of toothpaste, please put my mouth wash to the left of the brush in a little cup. I’d also like a warm wash cloth for my face after I brush all the sugar from my rotting teeth so I don’t have any toothpaste on my face and can go to school like a decent third grader.

8. When packing my book bag, please put my lunch in last, I hate it when my sammy gets all squished, oh and a note telling me that I’m great would be wonderful to receive every now and then, I mean really, it’s the little things.

9. My sneakers should be at the door in the correct order so that I can jump right in them, please undo the laces too since they’re always in big gigantic knots when I pull them off the night before and I really hate fussing with them in the morning, plus it ruins my fingers.

10. Kisses and hugs. I know I can’t stop you from lapping me up like a lost dog who just found their owner, but for the LOVE OF PETE, please kiss me before we arrive to school, you understand right? The rep, I gotta keep the rep going.

That’s about it! See, not too difficult?Right? If you follow these rules I’m sure we’ll have a swell school year. Did I just say swell? What am I turning into my mother, ummm you?

Love,

Me.

P.s. Not sure why I’m even addressing Dad in this letter, he barely wakes up before I even leave for school.


 

A Woodloch Vacation, All I Ever Wanted!

By Deanna


Have you ever anticipated something so much, you felt like you were literally jumping out of your skin until that something arrived? Have you ever longed for a vacation so badly, that when it arrived you literally are just giggling in excitement to start your adventure? And upon your arrival at said vacation place have you ever been so content, so happy, having so much fun, and so relaxed that it didn’t matter if you accidently jammed a fish hook in your finger, past the sharp ridged barb damaging some nerve tissue which required you to go get it removed by a physician? Well, if you understand these feelings, then you know exactly how I feel about my annual family vacation to the Woodloch Pines Resort.

Each summer my family of 25 (ages ranging from 4 years old to 79 years old) travels to Woodloch Pines Resort in Pennsylvania. And even though we are lucky enough to take a few vacations a year, this trip, this annual voyage is the most anticipated vacation of the year for not only my immediate family but the entire clan.

Where can you find a resort that has social staff dedicated to your enjoyment? That plans unbelievably fun activities for you to enjoy with your entire family? When was the last time you did a cannonball with your four year old to try and fill a bucket up with water? Or build a taco on your twelve year old niece? Compete in a cupcake war type of challenge? Race down a water slide? Or run around a resort as if you are competing in the Amazing Race? Where can you find a resort, a social staff so dedicated that they make sure that your 79 year old father who is permanently in a wheelchair has fun?

And if running around a resort isn’t your thing, and you want to relax you can escape to the beautiful lake or gorgeous pool sipping the drink of the day (my favorite is the Pink Lady). If you want a little adventure, you can strap on some water ski’s, jump on a canoe, paddle boat or kayak, you can also travel to the bumper boats, go karts, attempt the rock climbing wall, have fun in the bumper cars, play in the Woodloch Forest (indoor soft play area), challenge your children at the two mini-golf courses, ride some bikes on the nature trails, take the kids to the two play grounds, go for a round of bocce ball, catch some fish (without the hook in your finger), shoot some baskets at the basketball courts, or go to the tennis courts. You can also let some steam off at the gym, try some yoga on the beach, go down the water slide and take the children to the indoor spray park or outdoor spray pool, perhaps you want to relax in one of the two hot tubs, or play beach volleyball, or head over to the childrens petting zoo hosted at the Resort two times a week, you can do that too!  And at night you can enjoy World class entertainment from comediennes that currently are competing in America’s Got Talent, or try your luck at horse racing, attend the fabulous Broadway themed shows, have fun with the children’s magicians and after hours, want to party? Have fun at the bar games and dance parties! All this is included? YES! And I’m just scraping the surface of what is available as a guest in the Summer, don’t get me started on what you can do in the Fall, Winter and Spring!

But it’s not so much of what they offer, it’s about who they are, the staff is incredible, they are generous, hospitable and accommodate every need you have, and believe me we’ve experienced this, hence the hook in my finger, or the time they rescued us from disaster when we accidently put diesel fuel in my parents handicap van, from the Owners to every employee in-between: Social Staff, Wait Staff, Housekeeping to the Marketing Team, this resort is second to none.

Family. Tradition. Fun. Adventure. Hospitality. Awesomesauce. Warmth. Community. Home; these are only some of things that pop into my mind when Woodloch is mentioned, but what I’m really thinking is only 343 more days and counting!

 

*These are my personal views regarding Woodloch Pines Resort, I was not compensated in any way from Woodloch to present my views.  

I Know This Much Is True

By Deanna

* Vacations are needed. Whether it's a quick over night trip or a week long vacation, they are a must, everyone needs to decompress, and get away from the everyday hectic life.

* Frozen Lemonade and Vodka is delish; especially in a lounge chair looking at a beautiful lake while your children are entertaining themselves.

* I'm not as competitive at I pretend to be. Ya win some you lose some; however my children and husband, forget about it.  Our family vacation is stocked with a lot of fun family style games (think Double Dare, Amazing Race etc...) and is just amazingly fun, silly and can get really competitive, I like to play to have fun, they like to win.

* Water slides rule.

* "We hit the sunny beaches where we occupy ourselves keeping the sun off our skin, the saltwater off our bodies, and the sand out of our belongings." ~Erma Bombeck

Are You A Fake?

By Deanna

Faux Coach bags, knock-off Seven jeans, fake Swarovski crystals, Tori Burch flip-flop replicas, and the Faux Aunt and Uncle. Most good things are worth reproducing right? I’ve had plenty of Faux Aunt and Uncles while growing up. That moniker was used for the people in my parents’ life that were as close as family but not “blood relatives”. I have taken on this “tradition” for the people in my life that fit the same mold.

I have bestowed this title on a handful of close friends – whether they like it or not. I feel these friends have earned it; these are the friends that my kids are forced to play with whether they bond with the kids or not - like cousins but only fake.  These are the play-dates that don’t feel like chores, you know the ones where you actually like the parents and aren’t pretending or playing by the PTA rules. These are the friends that are by your side through thick and thin, literally and figuratively, that you can call when your mom falls off a ladder, your dad has a heart attack, or one of your many sisters is in a car accident. These are the friends that don’t blink when you drop off a screaming two-year old going through separation anxiety. These are your life preservers; the extension of your family that accepts you, your husband and family without judgment. Without these friends in my life it would be so much harder than it is.

All I know is that although my children have a few faux Aunt’s and Uncle’s the LOVE is real!!

Cheap Watered-Down Beer = Good Healthy Marriage

By Deanna 

 

After years of watching crappy dating reality TV shows, watching stars jump into one set of pants to another in record time, to my friends, sisters, relatives doing the dating dance, online dating, the boring phone calls, the everything I am really grateful that I found my husband when I did. I wouldn’t be able to handle the shit-show that is now called modern dating. Oy. To.The.Vey. I feel for you people.

If we followed the dating rules of Miss Manners, technically my husband and I shouldn’t even be together, as we broke every fricking rule in the book.  I believe when we have some free time we are going to pen our own manual and call it “The Drunk Dating Rules”.  There is one problem, we never dated.  Our courtship if you can call it that began in College, with us eye spying each other at whatever local haunt we decided to destroy our brain cells in. We’d purposely avoid each other till last call. I’d spy Rich -  something like “I spy with my little drunk eye, Rich at the pool table”. I’d do my little dance to get closer to Rich, and then he’d “I spy with my blood shot eyes Deanna at the bathroom”, or I do a “Lap” around the bar to see where he was if my eye spy radar was too drunk, and as the night progressed, we’d inch closer and give in to the magnetic drunken pull that was forcing together.  As the last call bell chimed, like Pavlov’s Dogs we’d be suddenly be in some corner making out, we’d get kicked out go our separate ways (honestly, I was not that type of girl, I cared more about the red solo cup eons before it’s notoriety ), and resume this strange ritual the very next night.  If we saw each other during the day we‘d run as if we were vampires.  

When we finally talked to each other, it was awkward, as awkward as two people who never dated anyone in their lives who sucked face with each other for two months at some townie bar, we pieced together some sort of sentence and  “officially”  became a couple. I was relieved because I finally got his name, and now eleven years of marriage, twenty years all together, and two beautiful, healthy, intelligent, funny, and dare I say annoying (we all know our children can be annoying) boys under our belts who say’s cheap watered-down college beer isn’t a solid-foundation for a good healthy marriage?

I Know This Much Is True

By Deanna

 * I'm a 150% a dramatic worry wart. My hubby took the boys on an overnight camping trip, I had the ENTIRE NIGHT, HOUSE everything to MYSELF. What did I do? I worried.  About everything. Oy. Vey.  I didn't hear from them the entire time because my husband's phone died, which means I fantasized about a lot of horrible stuff: drowning in the river, a terrible car crash, falling in the fire, flesh eating diseases. I need serious help.

* Chinese food is my comfort food. See above.

* I missed my boys.  A lot. All of them, even the big hairy one. I never thought I'd miss them that much. I mean I knew I'd miss them but never to the point of my heart aching. That's a new one for me. Ouch.

* "He who is not courageous enough to take risks will accomplish nothing in life". 
         - Muhammad Ali