I talk too much. I analyze too much. I am WAY too sensitive. I cry. A lot. And at the drop of a hat – like at dog food commercials. I’ve put my foot in my mouth way too many times. I tend to go overboard on everything –spending, running, eating whatever. I obsess about silly stuff – the small stuff, the stuff we are not suppose to sweat. I’mnot an all or nothing type of gal. I like to be liked. I like to be respected. I have a BIG mouth. Some days a real bad potty mouth. I care too much. I cry a lot, did I say that already? I’m too hard on myself. I pray a lot too. God and me, we’re tight. ‘yo! I sometimes feel like I have to explain myself – that’s a real pain in the ass – why can’t I leave well enough alone? Oh, I know why because I have the need to be liked. But didn’t I just write somewhere that it’s none of my business what people think of me? I’m a contradiction too I guess.
I work on all my “things” a lot too. I like to think that I have evolved from my younger real naïve days but then there are days, like yesterday, and a few minutes from today that I feel like I’m right back at square one. That all that damn money I spent on therapy literally just got flushed down the toilet. And on days like these, I cry because I feel like all my “things” will somehow become my children’s “things” and I don’t want them to have to mess around with my “things” when I am sure as there is salt on McDonalds fries that they will have enough of their “things” to contend with that they can’t possibly manage my “things” too.
And I can see it happening. I see how both my eight and four year old struggle with the exact same “things” I struggled with and it scares the CRAP out of me. I want to STOP time, rewind 32 years, undo all the “things” I went through ALL OF IT, fast forward back to 2012 and carry on.
Anyone have a time machine? A rewind button?
So, I guess I’m stuck with my “things” I can’t undo it. I just don’t want to see my children in any amount of pain - some of what I went through sucked. But what can I do? I guess the only thing is to continue to work on my “things”, and hopefully I won’t pass too many onto them.
One can hope.