Dear Mom and Dad,
As the new school year approaches, I wanted to go over a few things about our morning ritual, schedule routine whatever you grown-ups like to call it. I know that we are late for school, a lot, and I really want to change that, even though I’m not a big fan of school, being trapped at a desk with some teacher clambering on about adverbs and adjectives, I do hate getting to school late, and Mom, I know you hate being late for whatever you do, that thing called work where you sit a computer and probably Facebook and Tweet all day, wherever that is; and now that my little brother is going to school with me, I want him to have a different experience and not face the ridicule of his teacher by arriving late. Every. Day. I know, I’m good a brother.
Let’s get one thing straight, there is a new sheriff in town, I’m setting the rules, and I’d really appreciate it if you just followed along like a good cowboy um cowgirl, whatever and keep your mouths shut.
1. When waking me up to start my very stressful day, gently caress my head and softly whisper in my ear that it’s time to wake up, there is no way, no how I’m standing for the shrills of what you call singing for another ten months, so toss out the ‘ole: “Rise and shine, bring on the Glory! Glory!” or “Time to get up Pumpkins”. I’m not a pumpkin I’m an eight year old boy.
2. Before I walk down the stairs to eat breakfast, get dressed and brush my teeth please have the television on to my favorite show, currently “Phineas and Ferb” but that can change at a moment’s notice so pay attention to what I like to watch and please don’t piss and moan if I ask for a different show.
3. The house temperature should be at an even 70 degrees; this will eliminate my cries of being too cold or too hot.
4. Please only buy my favorite cereal, I like sugary sweet stuff that rots my teeth, and sends me in a complete tizzy for at least thirty minutes before I start my day; the cereal should always be poured in my favorite blue bowl, and should have the ratio of milk to cereal 1:3, anything more or less will not do, I’ll throw a tantrum and the bowl.
5. The little brother, since he’s new at this, I beg you be gentle with him and let him do whatever he wants until at least winter break, I can’t have him mess with my mojo and keeping him happy is the only way to accomplish this.
6. My clothes should be washed, ironed and laid out on the right arm of the red couch, if it’s not in that exact spot every morning, I will not get dressed; oh, and please remember I like my underwear ironed, and only give me my favorite socks, don’t bitch that I only have one pair, go get me more or wash them every night. Please.
7. My tooth brush should be on the bathroom counter, with one nice squiggly of toothpaste, please put my mouth wash to the left of the brush in a little cup. I’d also like a warm wash cloth for my face after I brush all the sugar from my rotting teeth so I don’t have any toothpaste on my face and can go to school like a decent third grader.
8. When packing my book bag, please put my lunch in last, I hate it when my sammy gets all squished, oh and a note telling me that I’m great would be wonderful to receive every now and then, I mean really, it’s the little things.
9. My sneakers should be at the door in the correct order so that I can jump right in them, please undo the laces too since they’re always in big gigantic knots when I pull them off the night before and I really hate fussing with them in the morning, plus it ruins my fingers.
10. Kisses and hugs. I know I can’t stop you from lapping me up like a lost dog who just found their owner, but for the LOVE OF PETE, please kiss me before we arrive to school, you understand right? The rep, I gotta keep the rep going.
That’s about it! See, not too difficult?Right? If you follow these rules I’m sure we’ll have a swell school year. Did I just say swell? What am I turning into my mother, ummm you?
P.s. Not sure why I’m even addressing Dad in this letter, he barely wakes up before I even leave for school.