Monthly Archives: April 2011

Turning into Mom

By Deanna

It happens to all women. Married, Single–sometimes the transition can take years, for others it literally happens overnight, but when it hits you, it hits you! You look in the mirror, you proclaim “Because I said so…” and BAM you’re your mother. I didn’t realize it at first, the evidence was there; the smell of bleach lingering in the air, the old shirts that are now dust rags, lowering the heat in the middle of winter and telling my husband to suck it up and put on a sweater.

Naïve I was to think that I would escape what every woman has tried to run from. My journey was slow and steady, creeping up like a fat guy grabbing a donut. I thought it wouldn’t happen, not to me. I’m so different from my mom. She’s short, okay shorter than me, bleach is her signature smell, like Coco Channels is Sophia Loren’s’, she made a grown man sit up straight at the dinner table with the tilt of her eye and the guy was a stranger! My mom is a great mom, but she ruled with an iron fist because she had five daughters and a sick husband. She needed to control the chaos and if that meant making us use a comb to straighten the fringe on the Oriental rug then, so be it. I was hopeful because the sound of the vacuum, the sight of a checkbook needing balancing and the thought of corporal punishment sent me running for the hills. I swore when I was a mom I’d only use bleach for laundry. Guess whose disinfecting her floors with it? When those subtle hints wafted to the surface I ignored them until one night in the midst of “Because I said so…” it hit me like a ton of bricks. I had just told my boys sit up straight and wait till your father gets home! The horror washed over me like flashbacks in a bad war movie. The night before I drank tea while reading Reader’s Digest, that very day I completed four loads of laundry, mopped the floors with bleach, rinsed my mouth with peroxide, and had a home cooked meal on the table by 6:00 p.m. When I realized what had happened my heart started racing, my palms became sweaty and I had to sit down to collect myself. Once I calmed down I ran to the mirror and looking back at me was my mom – a strong, loving and nurturing woman who spoke to me… What pearls of wisdom did she unleash? That towel on the floor wasn’t going to pick up itself.

    *This post has run on a now defunct blog, never published here and frankly it’s worthy of another go-around!

    Posted in bleach, deanna, mom, That's Life, turning into my mother

    Can Television Break Up A Couple?

    By The Girlfriend Mom

    I loathe having a television in our bedroom. I don’t like to watch TV before falling asleep, I like to read. My bed partner, however, loves watching TV before bed and claims that he can’t fall asleep without it. That’s a hot steamy pile of turd, because on the few times when he didn’t watch TV, and instead read, he was out like a light in less than 10 minutes.

    The man is so resistant. He thinks that because he’s used to watching, there’s no other way. I try to tell him that it’s a just a bad, stinky, unhealthy and annoying habit, and he can break it. I’ve begged him to let me help him.

    He doesn’t see that watching television stimulates the brain, which is why he channel surfs (the daddy of all stimulation) wondering why he can’t fall asleep. His logic is so ass backwards and he’s usually a very logical man.

    To watch, or not to watch is hands down, the topic of most of our arguments. In the beginning, I tried to be a good sport. It wasn’t only the sound that bothered me, it was the light. I’ve put socks (or whatever is laying around) in front of the cable box and DVD player because I can actually ‘feel’ the light. Of course this just gives my bed partner more ammunition, “You’re nuts. Who does that?” I’m nuts because I’m sleep deprived.

    I tried wearing an eye mask but when I rolled onto my side, where I like to sleep, it was very uncomfortable. I think it was too cushion-y. Now I just face away from the television and hope that by the time I’m ready to roll to the other side, he’s turned the fucking idiot box off.

    I still have the issue of volume. How loud does one actually have to have it, when the television is only a few feet away and it’s BEDTIME?! Huh? How loud? I have superior hearing. It might have something to do with the satellite dishes I call my ears.

    Nevertheless, I can hear the television when it’s super ass low. Naturally, I expect my bed partner’s hearing to be the same. It isn’t. The level at which he likes to watch could wake the dead. And if he did wake my dead grandparents, they could watch TV together at a deafening volume. But whereas my grandparents were actually deaf, and needed the volume, because they were like elevendymillion years old, my bed partner is NOT!

    I made an effort and tried earplugs a few months ago. When I removed them in the morning, I felt crazy dizzy. I couldn’t stand up. It lasted a whole day and I was convinced that my head put pressure on my ears, and pushed the earplugs into my gentle ear canal and fucked with my equilibrium. Hey bed partner, I hope watching the season finale of Spartacus was worth it.

    I’ve slept in the basement, where it’s quiet and as dark as a bat cave. But am I really going to sleep without my bed partner. Pause for deep contemplation.

    We’re building a house (details to come) and my bed partner already has the locations (plural) of two of the televisions. He wants one over the fireplace (it makes me throw up a little in my mouth just thinking about it) and a television in the bedroom. We have a vaulted ceiling, so he wants to put it high on the wall, so he can watch in bed, but then have it on some kind of mount that allows him to lower it, swivel it around, and watch from the bathtub.

    This is far from over. Every time he brings this idea up, which thankfully isn’t too often, as toilets are our immediate priority, I don’t say a word. It’s my version of reverse psychology. I want him to think that I’m all for it, and then, when he least expects it, I can gently and calmly show him the error of his colossally retarded idea. And I mean that in a loving way.

    Posted in bedroom, couples, dani alpert, sex, television, That's Life, the girlfriend mom

    I Know This Much Is True

    By Deanna

    *We have so much candy from Easter that my boys have opened a “Candy Store” wherein I am now paying them to buy the candy that I previously bought for their baskets. The Dumb Ass label is on my head.

    *Weight training is essential to weight loss, toning and being able to lift my kids because holy crap, when did they get so fricking big? And why am I still lugging them around? They’re three and seven!

    *I need to work out six days a week even if it’s just for 30 minutes. My mind needs it more than my body and it’s a savings of $300 a month for therapy!

    *I have mastered the art of making egg salad and gotta say, it’s delish! Now what do I do with the other two dozen colored eggs I have? Any suggestions?

      Posted in candy store, deanna, easter eggs, picking up kids, The Little Buggers, weight loss, working out