Monthly Archives: August 2010

Perfection is Overrated

Running is, well for me running is much like dealing with my children, each day when I lace up my sneaks I have no idea what the run will bring, much like when my children wake-up, I have no idea what they will bring.

The last few runs have been so inconsistent. One 3 miler was so painful, there was a chance I’d need oxygen, the sweat was dripping off me as if I just jumped out of the pool, my breathing was so labored, it was like I was in labor. I hated every step. The next day I banged out a quick 4 miles, I was running as if I was at the Olympic trials. Two days later my 6 miler was as painful as my 3 miler until I got to mile 4, the last 2 miles I was running like a Tarahurmara. I felt as fast as lightening, well, as fast as lighting for me, a slow, 40 year old wanna be Ultra Marathon Runner (more on that later this week). And today, my 4.8 miler went like this: “Wow, what a great morning, I can feel it today, this is going to be a great run” than I hit it – the BRICK WALL- it was like I was running in mud. I made it worse by pulling the biggest rookie move in the book…and checked the watch. I thought: “It’s gotta be 3 miles by now” but got “What? Are you kidding me? It’s only 2.5, FUCK”. I was so pissed off. I was running a new route. I had ventured into a town which is slightly busy, I wanted to try a new loop-de-loop cause I was bored, and I definitely did not like this unchartered territory. I was running on the street as there were no sidewalks dodging Mack trucks and shaky old men rattling down in their 76 Buicks going out for the morning coffee. At one point, a Drake Cake truck came barreling down the road, I knew it wouldn’t hit me because frankly I prefer salty over sweets, and I truly believe that is the EXACT reason why I was spared. WHEW! After I navigated a few more trucks, a gaggle of geese, and sand, yes sand, I got back onto the sidewalk- and thankfully I ended the run on a high. The last 1.5 miles were quick and easy. I definitely had more in the tank and could of banged out 3 more miles with relative ease – always a good sign.

I’m not sure if you’re like me or not but everything has to be in perfect alignment to qualify as a “Great Run”. I need a brisk partly sunny 70 degree day, not one ounce of humidity, I need my iPod to be fully charged, my favorite socks – the green wick away comfy endurance socks that soften the blow as I pound down on my tootsies like a elephant being chased, I need my loop to be obstacle free, I need to have had gone to the bathroom (you know what I mean), be properly hydrated, my ‘good’ sports bra and hot pink adidas running tank must be cleaned, and my kids have to be sleeping, or with my husband, no sitter, that’s just pressure, I hate being pressured, and I must have enough time to change what I thought would be a 6 mile run into 8 just because I was feeling good. Just in case. I could of added to my run today, but didn’t have enough time to get ready for work.

Not much to ask, right? One can dream right? While I wait for my perfect day, I’ll muddle along trying to dodge old men in their big hunking cars, Mack trucks and that big fricking brick wall.

Posted in Mangia Mia Fitness Pia

Genius Alert!

My children are geniuses. Yes, they are. I assure you this is not just another mother who has tunnel vision and thinks that their child is the greatest thing since apple pie ‘cause, people, mine are. Wanna challenge me? Well, I got the actions, the reactions, the statements to prove it. Let me set you up a little, Matthew will be 3 in October, and Richie is 6 ½, and here are some pics:

Cute boys right? Not only are they cute but they are smart as whips. The proof is in the pudding… take my almost three year old who told this Aunt “I’m going to tell on you”, than came running to me and actually told on his Aunt – the Aunt that reprimanded him for pretending to be Spiderman because he climbed a 5 foot wall. Said Aunt didn’t want him to fall and knock his brains out and told Matthew to get down. Guess who didn’t like that…so what did he do? He stormed off in perfect militant formation and screamed at me “me telling on Aunt Lorli”, I asked him why and he said “‘cause she don’t let me climb ‘da wall”, honest kid, at least he didn’t try to bullshit us by making up some sort of lie. A remarkable quality a child should have, definitely not going to be a lawyer, as this kid has no game.

The 6 ½ year old told me that he was seeing things through his eyes, seeing things like Zebra’s & Giraffes – I got a little worried, thought maybe he was hallucinating, perhaps he was dehydrated – it is the summer ya know, kinda hot out there, he’s with his dad the Fire Lieutenant most of the days who regularly forgets to feed the kids (all the while I’m slaving away at work ha!). I asked Richie to explain what he was seeing and in all his 6 year old wisdom, he proudly told me that “Yes, I sees things, the other day I saw Zebra’s and Giraffe’s and it was really light poles, today I saw Geese but it was really fire hydrants” he babbled on and said that he really thinks he needed glasses. “Oh really?” I said, “Well, then I’ll make an appointment with the eye doctor”, guess who’s not seeing things now? I think the little stinker saw his cousin with glasses, and wanted them too, I’m not surprised, I always wanted glasses and braces too, not sure why, maybe I wanted a guarantee that I got bullied?

What does surprise me on a daily basis is the knowledge of animal facts that Richie spews out on a daily basis. The knowledge he posses about animals, all animals is astonishing. It could be ocean, forest, safari, suburban, outback animals, whatever the list goes on and on – it’s bewildering because he’s accurate, and if he’s not sure, he’ll throw out a fact with such confidence and conviction that you gotta believe him. This is a kid that actually corrected Jungle Jack Hanna at his show, yes, the animal expert, the world renown animal expert got his ass handed to him by a 6 ½ year old animal expert. BAM.

Oh, and speaking of animals, whether they are my children or not, they are still animals. The other day we pull into the driveway, and the little guy jumped out of the car without saying a word and as fast as Flash Gordon, he walked up the steps to the front door, whipped out his penis and went to the bathroom, little penis showing and all. Why? Why would he do this? His response: “‘Cause he wanted to”. That was his answer. Genius! Right? Why didn’t I think of that, could of saved the $1.52 on my water bill from not flushing, plus my neighbors would get to see all our tight asses, we’ll have a ton of vermin at our doorsteps from the stench, and we’d be the talk of the town! Beautiful!

It’s get better. Really it does.

The two boys were fighting, rolling around, wrestling, throwing toys at each other, and then suddenly I heard a blood curling scream, a “I hate you” and then Matthew with a sound that came from deep within his belly yelled at Richie “I’m gunna cut you” and runs into the kitchen to grab a knife. I never knew that the bloods initiated such young members, I mean, the little shit is with me & my husband 24 hours a day, can’t really understand when he had time to pledge between potty training, and going to the pool, not sure how he snuck in those drive by’s either. HELLO!!! What soon-to-be three year old says this stuff? Of course I stopped him, but do you think someone is watching a little too many reruns of Law & Order or maybe it’s underground Blue Clue’s episodes?

Hmmm…whether it’s too many crime drama’s, or too many underground Nick Jr. cartoons don’t tell me my kids aren’t smart…which now leads me to believe that they may be watching too much fricking TV. Oh Jesus, Help Me! If it’s not one thing, it’s another, well, at least they’re smart!

Posted in The Little Buggers

One Angry Mother

I love vacations, they are so much fun, relaxing and it’s a fricking blast making these great memories with the kids; however without fail, no matter how much I prepare the post vacation drag happens. I know exactly what I need to accomplish after vacation: laundry, food shopping, getting my ass up to exercise and making sure that my kids detox from their soda laden, chip having, pizza consuming, daily ice-cream eating indulgences. I tried my hardest to avoid the drag, I made sure I did all the laundry before we left our vacation hot spot, I got up the day after we came home cleaned up the house, and went to the Farmers Market to get my veggies and fruits- I thought this would help the slippery slope of the post vaca gorge. To prepare for Monday morning – as I headed back to work I made my lunch, and even laid out my workout clothes – I thought I’d be in complete combat mode to battle any vacation blues but I failed. I completely failed. I never got up for my 12 mile bike ride, I didn’t eat the breakfast I “laid out” in my head and I have been nibbling on snacks ALL DAY! I did give my kids a normal breakfast, and I ate my packed lunch but that’s it. That is it! Three cups of coffee, a few hundred cookies, and handful of triscuits later and I am a train wreck waiting to happen, all I need to do is stop by McDonalds’ for a number two and all 58 pounds will be back on my body in no time.

I noticed that is my pattern – with any food related indulgences, whether it’s a weekend of parties, a weekend away or a week’s vacation; the “high” of indulging always has repercussions – after the indulgence I’m mean, cranky and everyone in my house is effected – the poor kids are running for cover, cowering in the corner as I stomp around the house mad at myself, and the world around me. I’m bellowing orders and throwing down restrictions, toys are being lobbed into the basement, and if it pissed me off enough it got tossed into the “give-away” pile. Yesterday as I was storming around the house, I noticed that everything I saw disgusted me – any clutter that I came across was either dealt with efficiently or promptly thrown away. It didn’t matter if it was my child’s favorite shirt or an heirloom from my great great great grandmother – if it twisted me I discarded it.

Yesterday was my first day back home after 8 days of vacation and I actually organized my kids clothing drawers, WTF? Like I didn’t have other things to do? You would think I was nesting, but in all reality, it was anger that was driving me, pure anger. This is all because I am feeling a little down about the 4 pounds I gained on vacation. I worked out 8 of the 6 days, lifted weights and did cardio, I gained weight and I am pissed about it. However what I am failing to realize is that even though I packed my little lunch container all throughout vacation, I snacked a lot, I had ice-cream, pizza and drank vodka and frozen lemonade like I was on a bender. What I need to do is to snap out of it, STOP THE INSANITY and focus people, FOCUS – that or my poor kids will be walking down the street naked mumbling something about finding their favorite toys.

Posted in The Little Buggers